I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake
I try hard not to break
I crave, I love
I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
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| Sunrise Mt Cooke |
Remarkably as I finished my first miler late afternoon on Sunday 7 November 2021, the thrill , the overwhelming relief , joy and high I use to get from such events is not there. The odd feeling was no doubt of achievement , of quiet thankfulness , the overwhelming satisfaction of kindness ,love and concern that I felt from everyone around from the MFR group I have been with for over a year , Rob , the Vollies, the runners at the back of the pack and the spectators at the finish line . This remarkable transformation for me over a year has been down to the coaching of Rob in respect to 2 aspects of running :
- Not about speed and physicality , but the mental ( though training is important)
- the sort of the spirituality of running if there was such a concept .
For me the meditation and scaling it up has calmed my thought processes, that as others had described as though the colour of life around me has become so present and magnified. The sole training of the mind to remain in the present seems to calm the soul and mind that no event , incident ,emergency or episode has jarred me like situations in the past.
15 years ago as I started swimming in the Ocean I recall the anxiety attacks which I dealt with by confronting it head on and with just sheer determination of practice to overcome and I learned to love the ocean for the freshness and openness with nature.Though that same fear and anxiety would come back from time to time.
This time the mind has become the control as we cannot change our external forces but we can control how we see the world .It is our mind and emotions that really determine our flow in the world and how we see , feel and react to the external forces. It makes me realize quickly what I can effect and what I cannot and to accept with equanimity the situation. It has been an eye opener. It is still a learning journey of decades but one I enjoy starting. Oddly the more I have meditated the more I do not worry or stress .As I train , it has become more the default set to my mind. For that I am thankful .It is never perfect but we are never perfect, we strive to be and that is the journey.
So there as the race is finished , the lows of the day and the highs of the day seem to even out.Is that good or bad.Well for an emotional heart on the sleeve character possibly I miss out on the highs , the tears of joy crossing the finish line, but oddly I felt so much joy seeing Jonathan finish I was moved to shed a few tears (maybe it was the tiredness seeping through,but it was gladness for what he had achieved) .This time round there was none of that .Maybe I was just so tired or like the highs they had been filed down by the mind as were the lows. I honestly had no low points or points I felt I had loss control. At the end the tiredness was overwhelming but not sufficient for me to stop ,just slow down.
The start of this long journey goes back to 2019 when Feral was cancelled (extreme heat that weekend and the Bib was shut down) I know why now. I did do the 50km run on Sunday and that was hot . I had run into Rob literally as he was training for a journey run in Sumbawa a few weeks earlier. I knew him as the Aura President . I then spent the next year 2020 not really training but having spurts of activity .It was a weird year. A Covid year. My entry rolled to 2020 and I started the Feral at midnight and 15 km into the race it was over as I walked and shuffled to Sullivan's rock and threw in the towel . That started the call to rob and the Mind Focused training . It was not easy . Goose in June the first test was a DNF .I was wanting to give up at 40km . Rob at Big G calmly said just go for another loop and it worked. The hallucinations the cold night the solitude did not freak me out. I was coming to understand the importance of the acceptance of everything or equanimity with everything a race will and does throw at runners. But the disappointment of being pulled 5km from the finish line after being sent the wrong way on the last loop was a lesson to be learnt. Not quite accepting yet.Not quite understanding equanimity .
The next test WTF again was a DNF . Quads blew up on the downhills. But there was an acceptance and calmness . I learnt sometimes tough decisions have to be made but it is knowing when to make them. I could have struggled through WTF or rested and went round the next day. Maybe again fate had played a hand . I was pretty Ok after a few days and able to pace Jon in Delirious 10 days later. That was an experience in 4 days and knowing I could handle the conditions, the trail ,the low spirits and there were lots was heartening. I saw lot of great runners and how they handled themselves .I saw the beauty of running without expectation and worry .
Those were the seeds of a rather unorthodox preparation for Feral 100 2021 but a WTF DNF meant Feral was a chance for redemption and practicing what I had learnt. If things are going to go wrong and they inevitably do we must learn to accept with equanimity that which is thrown at us and we know we have the strength to deal with these curve balls.
The lead up to the race started with a race planner 2 weeks before the race .A little late but better then none. I had practice with WTF a month earlier. Downloaded the course again on Garmin and GAAI . Had all my lights and batteries recharged. Got my 2 power banks .Got food , lots of nuts , bars and lollies, coke , chocolate milk and coconut juice and even noodles at the Perth Hills Discovery Centre aid station.
Had my running gear sorted and shoes and socks . I felt confident that I had prepared well. The only time I felt some anxiety was the long ride out to North Bannister on Albany Hwy. Meditating was hard .I did try. Then at 1120pm we arrive and there is just a dirt road and darkness . As Shaun gathered the 45 runners round a clearing in a circle he spoke about the adventure , the new found mates around us , savor the moment .It will come with the lowest of moments but we can do this. That is my limited foggy recollection .But I will forever remember looking up into that star lit night and I thought how lucky am I standing here about to start this adventure and I am surrounded by so much of this great southern night sky . At that moment there really was no fear anxiety or worry I knew it was the right thing to do whatever happened I was doing this because I wanted to .I was in the moment and I was feeling everything I could from the moment.Nothing else matted. For that little gathering I must thank Shaun as it forced me to look up .
Without much fanfare at just 11.59 Emma counted down the start and off we went heading towards Albany Highway on a 3km loop and then back to the start . I was at the back and continued running down Albany Hwy till someone shouted the turn around was the Hwy. Back I came . I just ran my own race and probably after passing the start line and about 8-10 km into the race ran into Rosa and Ash . I stuck with them as there was no race strategy other then not to go out hard. That continued till they got to Nerang and used the toilets.I went ahead thinking they would catch me pretty quick but it wasn't till we were at the foot of Mt Cooke that I saw them coming.That was about 30km into the race. We climbed it together and fortunately did not get too lost we had a spectacular sunrise waiting for us. Timing was good.
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| Rosa's picture of the sunrise |
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| the 3 of us on Mt Cooke |
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| Climbing Mt Cooke |
It was a further 10-12km to Sullivan's Rock and the First Aid station.Got there just before 7am >I had my tailwind refilled and coke and coconut water. A quick bite of a small muffin . Just a bit too dry and I headed off and waited for Rosa and Ash at the top of the rock .As they came we followed the course on my gpx and we were back on the bib heading for Brookton Hwy Aid station about 31-32 kms away. The sun was up and this section Rosa said had a fair bit of climbing and gnarly sections . There was a fair bit of climbing and then some good down hill sections There is Mt Cuthbert and Mt Vincent on the course. We stuck together till about 5km out Ash dropped off the pace and Rosa and I ran into Brookton .It was warming up . I had a good break and refueled .Had a hash Brown . By this stage I had taken 2 Nurofen and 2 Panadol and 1 salt tablet.As it turned out may have not had enough salt during the run.i had an icy pole and headed out of the Aid Station.With Rod there all went well . I got a cold Ginger beer and that helped with the hydration. I think I had 15 or 20 minutes at the aid station .Changed my top and headed out. Checked with Rob and Shannon that Mt dale I thought was 13km but maybe 17.8 km. Got to Brookton after 1.15pm and I think I left at 1.40 or 45pm
As Rob crossed Brookton hwy with me it was on to the next Aid Station .I was now 73km into the race. A km down the road I started to get sick and had my first spew. Then a toilet stop in the woods . Felt a bit better but should have realized the lack of salt despite the hash brown with salt was not going to be enough. This section I was alone as Rosa was still resting at Brookton. I did get passed by one of the guys with his pacer near the Mt Dale Hut .We all thought the aid station was here but it was a few more kms away .We got there in the end. Great to see the Mt Dale Aid station with Harmony and had a rest. I was making the cut offs and I had got there by 4pm . The next Aid station was Beraking. I did get a little lost but just before Beraking Rosa caught up with me .Great to have company and I managed to keep up with her. Beraking was about 11.5 km away and was about the 98km mark of the course. Alexis who was sweeping the Start to Brookton was there putting in a long day and night like Rob . Great to see them and managed to get a hot cup of green tea. We were there about 6 pm .I was not able to hold down much and had spewed a bit more . I had some water melon and kept drinking as much as I could but knew I was not getting enough food or fluids in. Again no panic just accepting that I was still able to move forward. The last leg to Allen's was about 13 km and was dark and we both set off as Kate came in with the sweeper Mark. They caught up with us along the way and we soldiered on. This was a long slow stretch I think it took us about 9 or 10 pm and then the last push to PCHC . Kate had a rest at Allens as we started off from Allen's . I had a bit to drink and some fruit. This was a gnarly section with lots of climbing and un-runable sections ,not that we were running . I just recall how long and slow this section was . Rosa eventually dropped me about 5km I guess from PHDC . This section took a lot of time and I got in at about 3 am . I think we would have left Allen's around 10pm but that is my best guess as my Garmin had reset when I was recharging it and in the end died at the Kalamunda turnaround. I was cold and feeling really tired.
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| Camel farm Aid station having a melon |
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| Kalamunda Aid Station |
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| Camel Farm |
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| Crossing the Weir |
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| At the finish |
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| Rob smiling , me not so much |
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| On the last leg |
I had a rest for about an hour .BK had just finished so he was sitting at the finish line telling me how tough the out and back course was ...he called it the Death Loop. Didn't quite register as I was just trying to get warm and have a little sleep Jon Storey did have a go at BK for being so discouraging. remember that much. Did not work .Harmony came over and I did mention I was just waiting for Rob and she offered to wake him up.He came over and we agreed we would leave as soon as he was ready and I think we left soon after 4am. It was dark and I just followed him out . It was a slow march but anything slightly downhill he encouraged me to jog and I was able to do it. I don't remember much else. Accept seeing Shaun and Sarah and his pacer coming back and Shaun giving Rob and me a hug. Then it was off down and up the weir .A bit of discussion about whether to follow Mundaring Weir road but we found the point to cross Mundaring weir Road and then the long walk up hill and there were lots .I could not recall how many hills there were .
Glad to get to the Camel Farm aid station and had a cup of tea which I kept down. A short rest and then we headed for Kalamunda. Ran into Glen and Darlene as we were heading to the Powerline and they said it was only a gnarly 4km section. I wasn't really projecting other then moving forward. We also ran into Rosa as they were heading down the climb and we pushed ahead but Rosa caught me on the climbs . We also had the runners for the 23km start rushing down as we headed up to Jorgensen park. It was good to get to the turn around .had a bit of fruit and a coke and then started the last leg back. It was on the climb back down when I had another spew. . But it was just knowing that there was no projecting just dealing with the moment. No expectation . My watch had died ( forgot to switch the power bank at PHDC Aid station) and I was relying on Rob's watch and following him .This did make me slightly disorientated as I really could not recognize the Bib course
Towards the end ,I was really tired with the heat and the lack of food ,suggesting to Rob we have a rest when he told me that we were at the end. Nothing in the last 4 hours of the Bib looked familiar other then the Weir and the road crossing. In fact I thought Rob was taking me on an extra long course as a test .Not quite delirious but just rationalizing the time I was out on the last leg. Importantly I was not disagreeing but prepared to take the challenge? It wasn't and we were pretty much on the bib course all the time , again the importance of being focused in the moment.
The finish was an anticlimax. I was relieved to finish but as stated above there was none of the raw unbridled emotion. A quiet sense of finishing what I set out to do and comfortable with my effort.
As I drove home , collapsed into a deep sleep and after letting everything sink in, I have identified the learning's both practical and more esoteric:
1 Definitely prepare for the unknown in that to expect the unexpected.Here my throwing up which I had not experienced before
2 Meditation in the weeks leading to the run were valuable
3 re evaluating my food , nutrition and salt intake before a race is now critical. I will have to put more effort into the food intake and what is in the drop bags.
4 Again the sense of calm and gratitude was invaluable especially in the moments alone and in the dark. Absolutely no anxiety which was a regular feature of my races
5 An absolute sense of gratitude I was able to race , to be in the moment , to take part , to be in nature ,amongst a great group of people , friends and finish.
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| lost nails post run |
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