The journey I started in November 2020 with MFR and Rob culminated at Delirious 200 miler on 9 February 2022.Regardless of the outcome like life there is no finality and there is no end . Everything is impermanent . This like life is not a fairy story .It is the perception of my mind whether I finished the race , DNF or anything else ,it is my own single and very inaccurate perception .That is why in Buddhism , everything is an illusion as we see the world from the prism of our really inaccurate malfunctioning mind.
I did not finish . I DNFed at 120km into a 340 km run . Nearly 15 months of preparation .There is failure, sense of loss ,even despair. My ego damaged . But quite the opposite. I had nothing but a sense of thankfulness, appreciation and love for all around me. I had no feeling .There were moments of regret and sadness but they did not last long and is the remnant of my old ego bound individual self. If I was frank that which I cling to,desire , the source of suffering at least in Buddhist Dharma is something I cannot completely let go hence the pangs of failure as I am human .I have the feelings which is what the Buddhist called Dhukka because we follow the 3 poisons of delusions desires and attachments. The attachment is to attach value of self because of achievement . But in the past months I have learnt more then running .I understand the suffering and leaning into it especially when running such distances . I had faced it and knew I could . I also knew I did not have to do it at all cost as I had no desire other then my own journey to test my self in that cauldron of suffering .
This is a race report about failing to finish but really fundamentally for me it is a learning about what it is to be alive to be human .I have fallen into a group of people , ultra runners who share the joy and love of running long distances who care for each other, who fundamentally have a love for the sport that encapsulates what it is to be human enjoying our environment, caring for it and looking out for each other and supporting each other no matter what.Here is a microcosm of what it is to be a good human being if we could share this with the rest of the world. That is a small lesson taken from the week of experience.
Had I finished the emphasis would have been about achievement . But I learnt more seeing everyone deal with their demons and difficulties .I had to deal with mine . I learnt much and I think I have grown
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But each race report has a beginning.This starts post Feral 100 miler with a decision as to whether to give Delirious a go. It took a month to decide as I knew it would be hard.Did I want to make the commitment.Could I get crew and pacers and the logistics of such a big event.All these concerns . But I knew fundamentally , I had to give it a go if only to confront my own character.testing it and to leave my ego and be willing to fail.It is easy to not try for fear of damaging my ego and my misguided view of how the world will see me. But here we have this very Buddhist view of the 3 poisons. I did not set out to fail but knew lots had to go well for the race to come together perfectly .yet I knew what I needed to do having paced half the race in October.
I knew my shortcomings and my strengths. But life is about the challenges one faces but more importantly how we conduct ourselves and face these challenges. There was always doubts about running such a daunting distance but the past year of training and meditation has taught me that I have nothing to fear but the fear of ego and failure . My only doubt after Feral was nutrition which I had never mastered . Unlike all the other aspects of the race , I felt least prepared when it came to nutrition.
This became the main issue again.But starting from the beginning is the Planning.I had a Race Plan which was adapted from Jonathan's very detailed plan.I had listed all the nutrition, clothing changes and had dropped bags as well.
There was organizing the crew and caravan .I felt quietly confident having planned as best I could.The drive down on Tuesday was pretty straight forward and I for once did not feel nervous before a race .Like Feral I had come to a peace in my mind. I had some great friends helping in the support crew .I was filled with gratitude . I would never dream I would be giving this a go.
The race and my pacing was pretty much as planned from the beginning and up to about 54km or Dog Road Aid station I was doing well.As the day wore on and there was the afternoon stretch trough the Pingurup plain which was just low bush with no tree cover where I suspect I probably did not have enough calories and then as the day moved to night and the temperature dropped I tried to fill myself thinking I needed more nutrition as I could see my energy levels drop.Unfortunately that was counter productive as I tried to get to Broke Inlet i started to throw up .This would have been at about 90-95km into the race .i got to Broke Inlet with Jonathan and Lindsay walking out to meet me for the last 3-4 km and had a 2 hour sleep a change of clothes and that helped a lot. Got some food down ...not sure what and felt good for the first 5-8 km before again feeling the energy go and finding it hard to stomach anything . Managed to hget to Mandalay Aid station about 110 km in and again had an hours break .It was warm and started off on the sand and it just progressively got harder with just no energy to move up the dunes. I made he hard decision to turn around as I did not want to collapse and create a problem for the RDs . Again physically i had no issues other then my nutrition intake and my gut not tolerating food. I knew I would regret the decision but as the weeks rolled in months post race I have found peace with the choices and accepting that I run for no one other then myself .I do not do this for ego and in the vacuum of no self and no feeling , the race is despite the issues that arose a joyous experience .It is personal and so much more then finishing or distance.
It has been a15 month journey with Rob and the MFR Sangha ...after 4 months of rest and lots of contemplation I have learnt much . I may not be or have not developed as a runner .I am certainly not faster then 5 years ago but I think I have become a better human being for the experience.
