After Delirious 2023 and the2nd failure to complete the distance , I decided to have a break. As hard as the lesson was. Letting go and not clinging to a goal over 2 years in the making was hard .yet and it is often said , some of the best lessons in life come from failure and not success. In fact our tortured turmoil of how we assess our life or any event in our life is what causes our suffering.if it was not illness, or an exam result , a career promotion , advancement, recognition or respect it is the inability to finish a race that torments us and our view even our self worth.
The short break from running was to recharge and re assess life or in some sense to regress to lick ones wounds quietly . I felt I had not been good enough in some way or deserving to be in the ultra running community.Hence the seclusion and the time to just sit . In a way it was good from a spiritual and mental expansion of the reality or the mind and how we see devils in dark corners.Yet it also meant a loss of fitness and maintaining strength .In the interim 8 months , the weight stacked on .
I have come out at the other end with lessons learnt from my meditation practice reading and just sitting and contemplating life.
this is a summary of these lessons which I just have to remind myself from time to time .
1 Acceptance
There is no cause and effect . Life does not owe me and I may be a good person ,ate all my vegetables and did all the training and some how the result is presented. Life is like a race there are complicated twist and turns .The best laid plans can fail and often do . The desire to finish is necessary , the will is critical , but sometimes that is not enough . How we see the outcome ,how we view the world in our own mind is all the more important . I have allowed myself to come to the realization that the desire the clinging to a result despite the hype about not having any expectation is important to fulfill a goal but also very counter productive when it is not achieved unless we can have equanimity with the results in our life from the small day to day matters to the life ending ones. It isn't about giving up but it is about knowing and being fine about whatever the world throws at us and whatever result in life we have.It is about living in the moment with equanimity and no emotion as hard as that may be because it is the stories we conjure that ruin the moment the effort and dissolve it to a result fueled point.We miss the journey the experience the joys .
The perception of failure is the measure we make and it come from comparison . This is what sis counter intuitive.Why start a race .If it is to achieve a result or it is to find acceptance respect ?The reason becomes important If we know ourselves and we are not bothered about perception then the reason to run and to participate becomes irrelevant and the result to a degree also less important.It is about a challenge , a test and being satisfied about how far I got in that challenge.
The koan about Hakuin the Monk easily comes to mind.Can I be like Hakuin the Monk.
The story about Hakuin the Monk
2 Goals (without the trauma )
Having goals and striving for them is good .More importantly is knowing when to let go , to have equanimity with the result ...seemingly outsiders see this as someone who is a fatalist but the reality is striving to do one best but also knowing what is important in life what can fall away as just rain to the ground . Not allowing the mind to suffer for the lack of a successful result as that all stems to ego and desire . It does not stop one from striving to achieve the best.
After a break of a year in mid 2024 I started a slow build to Delirious 2025 . It has been enjoyable and less stressful given th lesson learnt from the past.
In 10 days I venture out to have another go. More lessons to learn from a 200 miler but I feel that the biggest lessons have already been learnt and for that Iam thankful.
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